You're Not Invited: The Controversial New Wedding Trend

You're Not Invited: The Controversial New Wedding Trend

Whether you’re the bride or groom or the wedding guest, you’re going to have an opinion on the newest wedding trend to date: You’re not invited alerts. Yes, you heard me correctly. The newest most controversial wedding trend to date involves emailing, Facebooking or texting friends, family and/or coworkers to let them know they’re not invited to your wedding. I don’t know about you, but it seems to me that just not sending an invitation is a bit less harsh (read, mean) than taking the time to inform someone they just didn’t make the cut.

Fans of the “You’re not invited,” alert say that it’s a great way to ensure that people don’t get their feelings hurt later down the road (as opposed to having them hurt right now) when they don’t receive an invitation in the mail. Others say that it’s a great way to let guests down gently. One thing is certain; couples fond of this questionable message have their reasons. For one, they believe that this is a great way to let friends and family who aren’t invited know that they’re just having a small wedding, a destination wedding and even to let them know that they  just didn’t have the budget for a wedding blowout and only their nearest and dearest made the cut.

The Ultimate Let-down

Just take a moment to imagine the sound of a Facebook alert or email on your smart phone. You check it, see your newly engaged friend or family member’s name, and get a little excited. Perhaps you think that you’re being asked to be a part of the wedding party (of course, you wouldn’t be getting an alert that you are not invited if you are close enough to even think for a second there is a chance you’re being asked to be a wedding party member) or that you’re getting some insider details on the big day. You open the email with enthusiasm or just plain curiosity and BAM! The truth hits you like a ton of bricks, “Love you, you’re great, wish we could but we just can’t, so super sorry, my fiancé has a huge family and we have to invite them so we don’t have room for you, hope you’re not hurt, see you Monday,” and that’s that.

In all honesty, it’s got to be a hurtful message to receive. As a wife, I’ve been the bride and choosing who to and not to invite wasn’t that difficult. If you’re close to someone, you invite them. If not, you don’t. It’s a day for you and your soon-to-be spouse to celebrate with those closest to you. If someone’s not invited, they just don’t get an invitation. If they want to be offended that you’re doing what you want to do on your big day or that you’re cutting the guest list to trim the budget so that you can have the wedding of your dreams, that’s their own issue. I don’t take offense to not being invited to the weddings of acquaintances or not-super-close friends, and so I don’t even think about it when an invitation never shows up. However, I’d be pretty offended if someone took the time from their busy schedule to send an impersonal message (or have their wedding planner do it on their behalf, as some couples are doing)letting me know I didn’t make the cut. That seems so much more offensive.

Less Awkwardness or More Hurtful?

According to Kellee Khalil, founder of the wedding planning website Lover.ly, states that the, “You’re not invited,” alert is necessary, “Many brides don’t consider the fact that this will come up (often) once the guest list has been set, so it’s good to have a general plan to avoid awkwardness and hurt feelings as soon as you send out your save-the-dates.” Of course finalizing the guest list is difficult when you have limited space or finances, but it’s something brides and grooms have been dealing with for centuries without sending out, “Sorry you’re not good enough,” emails (it seems awfully bridezilla, does it not?).

For those couples that simply are not on board with sending an email of this sort to non-invited guests, there are alternatives. You can do what one New Jersey bride did and call your friends to let them know that while they aren’t on the A list, they are on the B list. Essentially, you’re telling them that should anyone from the A list not be able to attend, you’ll have room for them to step up from the B list. Nice, right?

If you’d prefer to just forgo this entire awkward situation, just invite who you want to invite and be done with it. Not that it’s easy by any means, but it’s necessary. Here are a few tips to help you trim the guest list so that it works for your budget and venue.

Tips for Cutting Down Your Wedding List

How long has it been since you’ve spent time with this person? If you haven’t spent time with them other than to exchange an email or two in the past year, don’t invite them. Make the decision early. If you start planning your guest list now, it’s easier on everyone. Forgo your feelings on rude non-invites. There is always going to be someone who just can’t keep their feelings or offense to themselves. There is always going to be a guest that jumps on you with a rude comment about why they weren’t invited. Don’t become defensive; instead, choose flattery. This person really wants to come to your wedding or they wouldn’t make such a big deal about it. Next, sit that person down face-to-face and explain that while you would love to invite him or her, you only have so much space and you simply can’t un-invite your family.

Let them know it’s not personal. If someone is offended that they didn’t make the cut after not receiving an invitation, address the situation immediately and honestly. While you wish you could invite everyone you know, you have a budget and space considerations and it’s just not possible. Anyone who doesn’t understand that is just going to make it easier to be placed on the “Not Invited,” list at your next event.

What are your feelings about this new trend: Genius or not for you?

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