Wedding Guests Whose Invitations You Hope Get Lost in the Mail
There’s always that one person that ruins it for everyone; even on your wedding day. No amount of preparation and planning can prevent that one person – you know the one – from doing something so absolutely insanely crazy that it would make the Post-etiquette family cringe. Someone is going to find it appropriate to stand up when your officiate asks if anyone has any objections, or to complain tell you that while your dress is “really, really pretty,” she, “personally wouldn’t have chosen that silhouette with a bottom like yours,”. You can try to leave the crazies off the list, but an open bar is going to bring out one you just didn’t see coming. Read on to find out which wedding guests you’re going to wish found their invitation lost in the mail.
The Perpetually Late
She’s the one that never makes it on time. She always shows up an hour after everything starts because she apparently does not own a clock nor has she learned in 30 years how to effectively manage time (how is she gainfully employed with her internal clock’s disabilities?). She’s the one who will waltz into your wedding just behind you as you walk down the aisle, apologizing with a sheepish grin and giving you a solid pat on the behind as she squeezes in front of you in the middle of the aisle to get to a seat as close to the front as possible. You know her, and you are going to want to scream at her. Don’t. Have someone stand at the entrance to your ceremony and head off the late guests by either making them wait until you’ve made it down the aisle or by ushering them in through the side of the venue so they can take a seat without anyone being any the wiser.
There’s always one guest who just cannot leave their cell phone off or in their bag during your biggest life moment. There’s always going to be that one person whose cell phone trills in the middle of your romantic vows, or who is talking in the loudest stage whisper on a call that cannot wait another five minutes until the new couple share their first kiss and exit stage left. Sure, there are going to be guests at your ceremony and reception with their phones out at all times taking photos – because who owns an actual camera anymore – but they’ll have their phones set to the off position and they’ll happy ignore any incoming calls. But there’s always one; always. Do yourself a favor and place a sign at the entrance to your ceremony that clearly states cell phones are to be turned off at all times. Or – put it in the program.
The Irritating Bridesmaid
She’s one of your best friends (or maybe she’s that sister-in-law you aren’t looking forward to being related to but felt guilted into asking to be part of the wedding party all because she’s your new husband’s twin sister or some other silly reason) but somehow she’s just a pain in the behind. She hate the dress (because history clearly dictates all bridesmaid dresses are gorgeous and beautiful and perfect in the eyes of bridesmaids) and she hates her shoes and she hates your dress and why do you look prettier than her in your dress (um….really?). There’s always that one bridesmaid and she’s going to make you crazy. Do yourself a big favor and ask another bridesmaid to cut her off before she can stress you out on your big day. You can also try talking to her, but she’s clearly unreasonable. Or – you could just kick her out of the wedding and call it a day.
The Open-Bar Hugger
Ah, yes, the open bar. It’s tacky to have a cash bar, horrifying to have no bar, and so expensive you might as well say goodbye to your future child’s college fund to have an open bar. And to top it off, someone from the reception is going to hang out by the bar all night long happily sucking down free cocktails as quickly as possible before the clock strikes midnight and he has to ride off in his pumpkin minus one shoe and back into the land of paying for his own drinks. This guy; he’s going to be a problem. Go ahead and give your bartender free reign to cut off the belligerent and keep the party classy. Oh, and call a cab.
The On-the-Prowl Guest
The old frat buddy, the single and looking to find a rich husband to take care of her forever cousin you have that you couldn’t leave off the guest list; someone at your wedding is on the prowl. They’re looking for a hook up or to become the future bride and you have to worry about what’s going to happen. This is the guest that’s going to creep out all the other guests. He or she is going to be slick, slimy and completely inappropriate. Do yourself a favor and warn your single friends what’s going to happen so that you can sleep well at night knowing you did your part; and whatever they decided to do after being warned is their own problem.
The Mother-in-Law from Hell
Some of us are fortunate enough to have wonderful mother-in-laws, and others are not. Sometimes moms just can’t help it. They’re crazy. It’s par for the course when you carry a child, give birth to a child and spend every moment of every day for the rest of your life caring for, worrying about and loving that child. When it’s time for a son to get married, there are a lot of moms who can’t take it. Maybe you are a better cook than her and she’s afraid her son will never come home again because you’re so amazing and he doesn’t need her anymore, or maybe you’re a horrible cook who she is afraid is going to let her son starve to death. Either way, some brides have awful mothers-in-law. Your wedding is going to be an abomination in her eyes and everything you do is going to be wrong. Head her off by telling her all decisions and plans were her son’s idea. She’ll love them. Or, just ask your wedding planner to keep her far, far away on your wedding day. Or – just don’t invite her at all (we’re only kidding…but eloping might not be a bad idea).
Sure, if you could invite the entire world to your wedding, you would. But since most people aren’t working with a Bill Gates-style budget, you can’t afford your second cousin’s lady friend he’s been dating for three days. So you don’t invite her; and yet, here she is on your wedding day sitting happily next to him for about five minutes before they break up and he moves on with her best friend (just like always). It’s rude and classless and lacking all sorts of etiquette, but it happens at almost every wedding. You can hire a bouncer to kick those people to the curb, or you can just ask your caterer to please prepare a handful of additional meals and hope that someone else doesn’t show up so there is enough seating for uninvited